The Empty Cage
The fight America actually wants. (We won't get it.)
The UFC cage match at the White House last night was an event appreciated by a delusional traitor and a few million incels. The majority of this country was appalled at the vulgar spectacle. Had Trump, ever the showman, wanted to extend this travesty to a wider audience, he could’ve coaxed two of the biggest modern-day villains into following through on something they pondered a while back.
Remember when Mark Zuckerberg mused about fighting Elon Musk in an octagon? A literal cage on the White House lawn is exactly the kind of stage that mythical bout deserved. That would’ve been something Americans would have ponied up for on PPV — but only if it wasn’t a WWE-staged conflict.
No, Americans would’ve relished watching these two fascists go at it. The problem is the only outcome that would’ve been satisfying was if they had beaten each other into a permanent vegetative state. There could not have been a “winner.”
Of course, that fight will never happen — and not just because it would’ve been staged. Last night, real fighters took real punches and suffered real damage for Trump’s birthday entertainment. Zuckerberg, who actually showed up, watched from the front row beneath “the Claw,” close enough to join Trump and Dana White for a group photo afterward — having never once stepped into an arena where the outcome wasn’t rigged in his favor. The fighters had skin in the game. He never has — not for his platform’s role in radicalizing a generation of young men, not for the verdicts against his company in Los Angeles and New Mexico, not for anything.
So we got last night’s circus instead: actual fighters bleeding for Trump’s birthday, while Zuckerberg — the man who arguably belongs in that cage more than anyone — sat front row, smiling for the cameras. Some fights only happen on paper. This was one of them.
The contrast got even starker as the night went on. Every fight on the card ended in a finish, and the main event left Ilia Topuria hospitalized and barely recognizable after Justin Gaethje’s historic upset. Real blood. A real hospital. Real consequences for losing. Zuckerberg didn’t even have to change his shirt.
Booboo and Allie are telling me it's time for chow, so that's where I'll leave it for today. . Thanks for reading — more soon.
